There is a strange anxiety that comes with deployment. It's kind of a frightened, nervous, excited feeling. Excited? Yes, excited. I tried to explain it to James but he got all heart broken and annoyed. Once he heard me out he understood why. The few weeks before a deployment everything stops. I stop buying his favourite groceries, I stop keeping the house so clean (I can just clean it when he leaves), I stop working out (why bother I can't do it when he's not here), I somewhat stop functioning. But once it is here, I just get on with it. I realise I can do it. Walking in the rain is kind of fun.
And this time I have Oliver. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. Last time James was away this long Oliver was only 6 weeks and I went home to my folks place and played house there. But this time I am staying put a somewhat 1000km away from my family, however I am surrounded by some pretty lovely friends.
So I am looking at the positives. I am setting myself a list of goals to achieve whilst James is away to keep myself busy, although I am sure little boy Oliver will keep me plenty busy.
Whilst James is away I WILL
- Lose the last 5kg of my pregnancy weight (okay 2 pregnancy kg and 3 I let myself go before getting knocked up kg)
- Complete all university assignments on time and to the best of my ability
- Keep Pandora groomed
- Keep a tidy house
- Learn to cook at least 5 healthy and easy enough meals
- Organise and finish planing our wedding
- Learn to relax
Of course I will also be spending my days doused in the love between my son and myself. He is starting swimming lessons the Tuesday after James leaves. We have also found a lovely little beach and park that I plan to let him frolic in. We have play group on Wednesdays and perhaps I will pick up a hobby for Thursdays. Just to pass the time.
I want the six weeks to count. I want to enjoy them. I want Oliver to grow, to learn, to feel loved, to not notice the hole that is his fathers presence. But I also want him to notice that his dad is not there. I want him to miss his father. It's only healthy, and they have such a strong bond that I want to remain. It's such a conflicting feeling, not wanting my son to hurt but wanting him to feel. I wonder if a boy of seven and a half months can notice the sudden absence of a father. I wonder how it will affect him. I guess only time will tell.
I know I will be okay. I am always okay. I know Oliver will be okay, because I will make sure he is. I will play Mum, I will take on the role of Dad, and I will love it. I am sure there will be moments when I will be at my wits ends and just want my fiance and Oliver's father home. But I am going to make the most of it and luckily I have some pretty special friends here who will help me to make the most of it. I am going to own that list and James will come home to a better version of myself, and a much bigger version of his little boy Oliver J.
nb. Starting next monday I will be blogging a letter to James each night from us, his family, to fill him in on our days whilst he is on deployment. It will be called Dear James.
No comments:
Post a Comment