Monday, 9 April 2012

Navy life, navy wife.

This time next week will be the first night of a six week deployment. James will be sailing, and in term not here. This is his only 'big' trip this year and it has been hanging over me like pesky rain clouds when I want to go for a walk; it just hasn't broken yet but the second I walk out the door BAM here comes the rain. Currently I have one foot out the door.
There is a strange anxiety that comes with deployment. It's kind of a frightened, nervous, excited feeling. Excited? Yes, excited. I tried to explain it to James but he got all heart broken and annoyed. Once he heard me out he understood why. The few weeks before a deployment everything stops. I stop buying his favourite groceries, I stop keeping the house so clean (I can just clean it when he leaves), I stop working out (why bother I can't do it when he's not here), I somewhat stop functioning. But once it is here, I just get on with it. I realise I can do it. Walking in the rain is kind of fun.
And this time I have Oliver. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. Last time James was away this long Oliver was only 6 weeks and I went home to my folks place and played house there. But this time I am staying put a somewhat 1000km away from my family, however I am surrounded by some pretty lovely friends.
So I am looking at the positives. I am setting myself a list of goals to achieve whilst James is away to keep myself busy, although I am sure little boy Oliver will keep me plenty busy.
Whilst James is away I WILL

  • Lose the last 5kg of my pregnancy weight (okay 2 pregnancy kg and 3 I let myself go before getting knocked up kg)
  • Complete all university assignments on time and to the best of my ability
  • Keep Pandora groomed
  • Keep a tidy house
  • Learn to cook at least 5 healthy and easy enough meals 
  • Organise and finish planing our wedding
  • Learn to relax
Of course I will also be spending my days doused in the love between my son and myself. He is starting swimming lessons the Tuesday after James leaves. We have also found a lovely little beach and park that I plan to let him frolic in. We have play group on Wednesdays and perhaps I will pick up a hobby for Thursdays. Just to pass the time. 
I want the six weeks to count. I want to enjoy them. I want Oliver to grow, to learn, to feel loved, to not notice the hole that is his fathers presence. But I also want him to notice that his dad is not there. I want him to miss his father. It's only healthy, and they have such a strong bond that I want to remain. It's such a conflicting feeling, not wanting my son to hurt but wanting him to feel. I wonder if a boy of seven and a half months can notice the sudden absence of a father. I wonder how it will affect him. I guess only time will tell.

I know I will be okay. I am always okay. I know Oliver will be okay, because I will make sure he is. I will play Mum, I will take on the role of Dad, and I will love it. I am sure there will be moments when I will be at my wits ends and just want my fiance and Oliver's father home. But I am going to make the most of it and luckily I have some pretty special friends here who will help me to make the most of it. I am going to own that list and James will come home to a better version of myself, and a much bigger version of his little boy Oliver J.

nb. Starting next monday I will be blogging a letter to James each night from us, his family, to fill him in on our days whilst he is on deployment. It will be called Dear James. 

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