Saturday, 29 September 2012

Moments are fleeting.

Last week in Melbourne a tragedy struck. Most of you would know what I'm talking about, if you don't you can read about it Here but be warned it is brutal which is why I do not want to fill my blog with the tragic story of something that happened in my home town. On a street I used to frequent. In a situation that could have happened to anyone.
I was really surprised by how much it affected me, and I cried along with thousands of others after they discovered her. I rationalised that the police could have prevented it with a higher police presence, probably not. I felt physically ill as people blamed the words she spoke, the path she took and worst of all the clothes she wore. Most of all I thought of all the times we were out and one of my friends would go home alone, that I would go home alone. It could have been anyone. And as much as I mourn for her, and her friends and family, I think the main reason it affected me so much is that I know so many people who it could have been and it shocked me to my core. It was completely random, it was the wrong place at the wrong time with a very bad person. 

I could go on about the unnecessary victim blame. I could go on about how women should be able to walk the streets alone at night, but simply can't and should not. I will quote an Instagram friend, who said, "putting your finger up to society simply because you should be able to do something is not worth risking your safety over." I could go on about the need for better mental health facilities and the need to institutionalise people who are repeat sex offenders. I could also go on about sexual violence being a silent crime and the shame attached to it. All of these things I feel passionate about. But instead I think I'll go on about the realisation that life can be taken away from you in an instant. That no matter who you are, how much you are loved and how perfect your life might be, bad things can happen to you.

With this tragic awakening I have decided to stop stressing about our future. To stop panicking about my career, about buying a house, getting Oliver into good schools. To stop stressing about what might happen, and what might not. Instead I'm going to focus on now. Focus on the joyous occasions that are watching my one year old have his first ever shower, he bathes everyday but at two months old I nearly dropped him in the shower so we hadn't tried it since. Watching him dance to music and laugh when I pull a funny face. To enjoy what I have learnt through my journalism degree as opposed to stressing about it being a waste of time. To enjoy the times James is here instead of worrying about when he sails. To watch my son and my husband play without worrying about how they'll go when they have to be apart. To live for now and not for next week. Because next week might never come.

I am still going to improve myself everyday. I'm still going to educate my son for his future. I'm still going to miss James when he goes. But it will no longer consume me. I will not be wreck less or irresponsible. But I will be present in the present.

I also read somewhere that, "you will never get today with your child again, tomorrow they will be older." Oliver changes so much each day. In one month he has grown I leaps and bounds and is really fulfilling his toddler shoes. Every moment with him is fleeting and from now on intend to grab each one and hold it close to my heart for as long as it lasts.

R.I.P Jill Meagher. You have taught so many so much and you will be missed by so many that you never knew.

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