I was fat. I wasn't pretty. I got an average VCE score (aka HSC or ATAR). I was in a horrible relationship. I didn't think for myself. I didn't acknowledge myself. I was unhappy.
But then I realised that the universe wasn't against me, I was against me. Not in a conscious level but subconsciously I always set myself up for second best and therefore never strived for more. I thought that it was okay to do things my friends wanted me to, that I had no interest in, because it made them happy. And if it was cool enough to make them happy it should make me happy, so I just pretended I was happy.
I realised this through something that made me happy, calm and accepting. I found something that made my brain stop thinking about everything and just slow down, relax and settle. Settle for happiness and not strive for more. Settle for the moment with no thought of my future, or past, but just to live in the moment. Sounds fantastic doesn't it- it wasn't. It was destructive and for a while there I stopped living, I existed. Then the existing stopped the living started, and not the following of the crowd and the being second best, but the living of my life for me.
I started doing the things I wanted to do. Seeing the people I wanted to see, frequenting the places that I wanted to go. Being the person that I wanted to be.
I had always been something. Emo, punk, goth, indie. I always tried to tick the boxes of a certain sub-culture that made me feel I wasn't just a part of the crowd when in reality I was the biggest sheep of all.
The person I am is none of these things, yet all of these things. Once I realised this I felt a massive sense of relief. I mean goth chicks didn't own brown leather boots, I do. Punks don't date, let alone marry, someone in the defence force. Emo kids love hardcore, it was never my thing. And indies, well they are far more pretentious and carefree than I could ever be.*(disclaimer: see below)
I spent my youth trying to be accepted by a social scene that didn't want me nor did I want it. But I thought I did. I thought it would bring me happiness and comfort. It never really did.
When I was 19 years old a lot of changes happened in my life. I split up with my partner of three years, I lost 25kg, I started uni, my parents lost their business, I deferred uni, and I met James (two weeks before my twentieth birthday).
When I was 19 years old I also found myself. Before this age I always thought I had to wear a certain attire, listen to a certain type of music, be a certain person or no one would like me. But I have a lot of friends, and majority have been friends since I was pre pubescent, since before all this bs.
My friends were friends with me, not my clothes or story or hair or facade. But me. I had friends come and go throughout this period but it was too hard to keep up the act and I'd move on, they'd move on. I'm so lucky these other girlies stuck by me.
So at 19 I gave all the genres away. Yeah okay I thought I was a bit hipster because I didn't give a F, but I thought I was cool because for the first time in a long time I was just me. And just me turned out to be someone I really liked. And someone who was really liked. Because there was no BS, what you saw was what you got. And normally what you saw was a smiling girl wearing a brightly coloured dress and ugh boots. I'm not kidding, when I met James I was in ugh boots. I found them comfortable and whilst I'm being completely honest with you, dear blogosphere, I actually think they look okay. I joked, I smiled, I laughed, i played guitar and sung (no matter how poorly I did it), I was sometimes cranky, but I was me. And that was widely accepted.
Sometimes I see a photo of a really funky looking person who is very clearly sitting within a certain genre and I think, I should be more like that. But then I remind myself that I should be more like me and more the person I am. That girl made James fall in love with her, that girl is surrounded by friends in many states, that girl is Oliver's mother, that girl will finish uni at the end if this semester through two interstate moves, full time work, pregnancy and being a new mum. That girl doesn't accept she is a loser or unlucky, she takes her bad luck and banks it inside her to give her more motivation to strive higher. She turns into good luck. She is the most determined girl you will ever meet because she knows good things don't just come to you. you have to work your arse off but gosh, they are worth it in the end.
She is me, and I am not perfect. But I am true to myself and that is all I can be.
*disclaimer: this is all exaggerated and the way I felt about these scenes when I was trying to be apart of them. It's not necessarily true!
Me at 19, such a crazy young lass but such a happy one.
No comments:
Post a Comment