Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Jealousy and justifications.


I started writing my health and body image post for tomorrow and this is what came out. I am dealing with a few issues at the moment, one of which is overcoming my tendencies to be jealous of those I love. 

I guess I'll work on my health and body image post tonight.


The other day a close friend spoke of how she has lost 5kg. I asked her the time frame of this loss. She replied, “Over a couple of months. [sic] Im not aiming for quick results. Just gradual loss over time. I'm not going to starve myself just to be thinner. I've also put on a fair amount of muscle.”
Ouch.
I couldn’t help but be hurt by this after all I’d disclosed in my weight loss story last week. I planned a whole response, explaining and justifying my current diet. I planned what I would say about my history with meal skipping and hunger pains. But then I thought, f*** it.
First off, I don’t know if she read my post. I don’t even know if this was aimed at me. My husband has told me that I am slightly paranoid that everything is aimed negatively towards me, and this could most definitely be one of those times. I especially don’t know why she justified it because 5kg over a few months is wonderful!
So I told her that. No comparison to my loss, or my diet, or workout schedule. I told her it was great, I told her health before beauty, and I told her she was already gorgeous, because she is.

I was still flustered. It took me back to the rumors of drugs causing my weight loss, which in reality was a hefty work out schedule. I thought about how many people have said, “you bitch, you look great”, or, “now I feel guilty about my own diet.” The reaction is often about how my weight loss makes them feel. Often it's in joking context and I know most people are happy for me, but it always seems to make them reflect on themselves.

 I’m not going to stand on my high horse and say I’m any different. Someone would achieve and in my eyes it was a personal stab. How narcissistic. How ridiculous. I was so jealous, unhappy people often are.

I knew it. I knew it and I used to cry about it all the time. Jealousy hurts everyone it touches. That old saying is true, jealousy really is a curse. So one day I decided to get over it. I decided enough! Enough pain to myself and to others, enough being sad every time someone achieved something great, enough feeling good every time someone failed.
I can’t believe I’m admitting to that, and it wasn’t every time but it was far too much.
I came to a realization, and I use it as my affirmation;
            “Others achievements or failures do not affect my own achievements or failures.”
And it’s true. Because of this affirmation I am a better person. I am a happier person. And I am a better friend. I can respond to their emotions. But I also notice when others do it, and people do it a lot.

My husband says that it’s okay, that it’s human. He is one of the most self assured and content people I know, and he still does it. Not often, very rarely, but on occasion. Do we all do it? I wonder. If we rely on that for our own happiness what chance do we have?

I do not want to make people jealous. I do no want to be jealous of any one. I know people will be, and I know I will be in the future. I’d by lying if I said any different. I get pangs of jealousy often, but then I let inspiration take over.

I want to inspire, and I want to be inspired.

Can’t we all be inspired, and not jealous? I would love it if people used my goals for better health to achieve their own weight loss goals, a better body image and, of course, a better health. 

Life is not a competition. There are no winners or losers. There are just happy people, and not so happy people. 

2 comments:

  1. I don't waste too much time on jealousy, sometimes your ahead, sometimes you're behind. But in the end we are who we are for a reason, and we all so,show fit into this crazy world like a jigsaw. We are all inseparable.

    Awesome piece.

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  2. "As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy" Antisthenes

    That should of been the quote at the top!

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