Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Healthy me: Quitting excuses




One day I woke up and I wasn’t the ‘fat’ one anymore. I used to get dressed up when people came over and go downstairs just so they could marvel at my weight loss and tell me how good I looked; so they could gratify me. I would go out with friends and I would just be one of them, I could swap clothes with them, I could wear the same clothes they did, I could dance all night, and boys would even flirt with me! But when I went home I didn't feel any different. I felt the same. So I'd eat a block of chocolate, or a large McDonalds meal, and then I'd feel bad so I'd tell myself I was stupid, and I would make up for it by not eating the next day, and repeat.

I remember one time I was walking across the street with a group of friends. They all crossed the road ahead of me. I was always lagging behind, as the others walked in pairs and groups I always felt alone. As they continued on a car full of guys drove pass me and yelled out, “hey fatty!” I was 18, and I was so embarrassed. All my friends heard. Some pretended not to, some called them jerks, and others even laughed. I remember one of the guys that didn’t hang out with us much just looked shocked. This wasn’t an isolated event. This happened a lot.  

Then one day I wasn’t that girl any more. Not physically at least. But sometimes being over weight isn’t just a figure on the scales it’s a state of mind. In fact, it probably has very little with my weight and a whole lot more to do with my insecurities. Either way, it steamed from all those years of taunting, all those years of being told I was not okay because I was overweight. All those years of being judged on my appearance, which in turn has made me very judgmental of my appearance.

I have been the fat one, I have been the normal size one, then the fat one, ect.  Each day, no matter my size, I was still the same person on the inside. I still had the same insecurities. I used to tell people if I could go back in time I would have never lost weight in the first place. Now, knowing what I know and being where I am, I am happy that I did. But the first time the kilos started creeping back on I remember how it felt to be that girl standing on the street corner being belittled because of my size. And it ached, the regret burnt in the back of throat. I made excuses why it was okay; I was still ten kilos lighter than my heaviest, I walked each day, I was busy with uni, the same old excuses.

Excuses don’t burn calories. They don’t pay the bills. They don’t graduate university. They just bring you down. In my case one excuse normally leads to another excuse, and then another until I am stampeded with excuses. I'd justify why it's okay if I don’t go to the gym, why it's okay if I consume that entire bag of sweets, and even why it's okay if I don’t eat dinner tonight to make up for it.
But it’s not.
It never is. We all make mistakes. If I eat a bag of lollies then I won’t beat myself up about it. But I wont justify that it is okay, because it’s not.

This week I ate an entire bag of lollies.
I enjoyed it. I really did. Maybe I needed it I don’t know. I know it wasn’t okay, I know it’s not healthy, I know I shouldn’t have, but I know it’s not the end of the world. It’s done.
The next day when I got out of bed the world was still spinning. I wasn’t filled with guilt or dread. I was, however, full of sugar. I kept going. I had my protein shake, I went for a walk, that evening I went to the gym and worked my butt off. I made up for it, I did not excuse it, I did not dwell on it. I learnt from it.

I learnt that if I own it, then it wouldn’t own me. I ate those sweets, not my premenstrual cycle, not my lack of sleep and not my looming exam. It was me, conscious me. Fat, skinny, average- none of these words define me. I define me.

Fat is not a bad thing. Skinny is not a good thing. Bad health is a bad thing. Hating yourself is the worst thing. Fat me was never fat me, it was always insecure me. It was, it is, a state of mind. It is being told by society that I am ugly because of my size; it is being told by myself that I am ugly because of my size. I wasn’t insecure because of my size; I was insecure because everyone told me I should be.
So I made excuses, and that kept me unhealthy and overweight.

So this week I learnt to quit excuses. And I learnt to quit feeling how society tells me to feel, because I feel great!

I’m a long way from my healthiest, but I’ve come so far from my worst. I have so many reasons to be proud, and I am realising just how far I’ve come, mentally and physically.

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I’m also taking part in the wonderful #Confidentyou, over at SugerCoatIt; 28 days of hints and challenges aimed at helping you to love yourself. 
I am so excited. She is such an inspirational lady and I am so excited for her to share her insight with us.
You can keep up with my progress by liking us on facebook or following us on instagram.

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This week I lost 0.5kg, bringing my total weight loss to 7.5kg.

My greatest achievement this week was not making excuses even though I have my final exam next week and Oliver was ill and not sleeping. I didn’t beat my self up when I faltered and I didn’t let it put me off track.

This weeks hint to a healthier you is to eat what you love, but find the healthier alternative.
I love carbs. Most people will tell you that carbs and weight-loss do not get along. I have always eaten carbs, and will always eat carbs. However I did make a few changes, I replaced all the pasta in our house with whole meal pasta, all our breads are now whole mean (including wraps) and mash has now become mashed cauliflower, not that we eat mash much these days considering Oliver's refusal to be fed nor use a spoon.
By allowing yourself to continue to eat the food you love you are working towards a more sustainable lifestyle change instead of just a diet.

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Nb. Next week I am going to start doing a product review within the healthy me post. It will be based around my health, whether it be my gym membership, appetite suppressants, our juicer, the clothes I wear etc.

If you would like to read my ethical standards on product reviews, advertising and giveaways please click here.

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Happy Healthing.

5 comments:

  1. What an inspiration. As you may have remembered I too have struggled with self image and weight issues for most of my life, those excuses run like little ticks, "I might have that, I didn't eat all day" "I haven't had anything sweet for weeks, perhaps one won't hurt me?" I'm definitely going to try the healthier eating and banish the negativity.

    In regards to your own journey I know you can do it. You've already achieved so much, and I know you're just going to keep hitting those mile stones proudly. Very proud of you, as I remember we used to have many a chats about how you felt about your weight. I'm so glad it is all behind you and you can keep looking forward

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  2. Sounds like you have set yourself some good goals! And achievable ones at that. Too often we force ourselves to do things that make us uncomfortable. Good luck with it all, I will be returning xxx
    ps, I have an Oliver too! such a divine name!

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    1. Oliver truly is a beautiful name.
      Thanks Leigh.

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  3. Learning to take accountability is an amazing thing, isn't it? Sounds like you're headed in the right direction for a healthier lifestyle.

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    1. When you stop blaming everything/one else you just, kinda, get on with it!
      Thanks Grace!

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