Friday, 22 March 2013

Sometimes I'm dreaming.


I love my husband. I love him so much. He is my soul mate, I knew it from the night he told me that he loved me.
That night I had gone to see Sigur Ros with a friend and I told him that I was in love. He told me it was too early to tell James, he’d think I was crazy. But he told me THAT very night.
I want to spend majority of my time with him. I like his company, he is fun, and he makes me happy.
I adore motherhood. My son is the best thing that every happened to me. I watch him in disbelief, awed that we created him.
I talk to him and tell him stories often. When we are eating meals I ask him if he likes it. I know he can’t talk back, or even understand the meaning of what I say. I just like talking to him; I like knowing that one day he will talk back.

But sometimes I just feel so goddam alone.

Sometimes I miss having a glass of wine with my girlfriend, and then having it turn into a big night and crawling into bed at 5AM, waking up at 3PM the next day. Sometimes I miss not feeling guilty for wanting me time. I’m guilty of putting my son to bed a little bit earlier than his normal bedtime because I just need some time. Sometimes I feel like no body else knows me anymore, apart from my husband and son. Even then I wonder if their perception of me is accurate, if I am even an identity any more or just a Mum, a wife.

“Were you some particular person because people recognized you as that?” 
 Penelope Farmer, Charlotte Sometimes

But I’m not just a Mum, because no one is just a Mum. Being a Mother is all engulfing; there is nothing just about it.

I am a Mum and I am still me. Sometimes I have to remind myself its okay to be me, as unconventional as I may be. It’s okay to miss parts of who I was before I was a mother. And it's okay to be scared of losing my identity, but I need to know that I am the only one who can let THAT happen.

How have you balanced family life and personal time?

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