Our story.

Each year, on valentines we attempt to do something really thoughtful for each other. To us it's not about spending hundreds of dollars that we don't have on things we don't need, it's about bringing out the best in our relationship, you know the best days. Lets face it, we all have days where walk in the door and fall in a heap. We also have days when we leap into each others arms and smoother each other with love. On valentines day, we ensure it's the latter.

This year I made James a collage, as well as a little gift a comic.
Thanks to Frankie Magazine I was able to make a visual story for James depicting our lives together.

Our story.
Two lonely hearts, beating in sync. They entered a bar one fateful night. Little did they know where it would lead. Drink after drink, after drink after drink, they swallowed their sorrows with no knowledge of each other. One boy; destined to join the navy, leaving the weekend after next, celebrating with his friends, wanting for something more. One girl; working in a pizza shop, playing guitar just for fun, partying with her friends, thinking there must be more. A glimpse. A photo. No words. Another drink. A kiss. No response expected. A response. Another kiss. He leaves tomorrow. She's busy with friends. He calls, she answers. She doesn't normally talk on the phone, he doesn't have much time for phone calls between drills and duties.
She musters up her courage, she wants to know where she stands. It could have gone badly, she could have scared him off. But no. She's texts of course, too chickened to call. It's hard not being 15, not asking if they want to "go out." She asks, "friends or more?" He wants more. She smiles, "order up." Another Friday at work.
They continue to chat, she falls for him as he falls for her. She tells a friend that she is in love, her friend warns not to tell him, "you'll scare him off." That night he tells her that he loves her. Her heart stops, as does his. In sync once again.
Months after months they continue to fall. He is posted interstate, to Canberra, she is torn. Does she go, her friends say no but her heart says yes. He proposes, she says yes. "A long engagement", they explain, they've only been together a year and they are barely twenty. She goes interstate with him, she was always going with him. He is pleased but he knew she would, he always new she would.
They begin to build a home, their first home. Everything is so simple, but fun. Nothing like other relationships they've had before. They fight, of course they fight. But with every bad day another hundred good follow. A baby? They've been wanting one for a while and throw caution to the wind. Trying, without trying. No baby; months pass, then a year. "Next year we'll try properly, see a doctor, get an explanation." They get a dog, she fills the void. Their first baby. Pandora. A month later, the double lines; a baby.
Then a posting, a new location, a new home to build. They make a home, her belly grows, he goes to sea, her belly grows, she goes to Melbourne, her belly grows, he comes home, her belly grows, and then a baby. Their baby.
They didn't know they had more love to give, they did. So much more. To him, to each other.
Everyday a new adventure. He goes to sea again. She misses him dearly. He does not miss her any less than he once did, instead he has more longing in his heart. They survive, he comes home. This happens a few times more.
They wed in the winter, on their fourth anniversary. She takes his name, he has already taken her heart. It's relaxed, very them. No big dress, no church. But them, and most of those that they love. Perfection. Life gets easier once they are married, their relationship does not change one bit but she is trusted more as a mother by society. Easier, not different between their four walls but changes on the outside. They love being married, more than they knew they would. They love their honeymoon, best time of their life. They took their son, of course they did.
Time passes, they fall into place. She finishes uni. He works so very hard.
A new posting, a new home, their old home; Canberra, their first home together. A new adventure. This time they do not need to build a home, their home is truly built between the four of them.

I'd love for you to share your story.

Melbourne is the town we deserve, but not the town we need right now.

If I could move home to Melbourne I would.

James and I at the Roof Top bar in Melbourne circa 2009.

In a second, in a heart beat. We'd be there; Oliver surrounded by his grandparents, our oldest and dearest friends would live just around the corner, the coffee would meet our standards- everything would be perfect.
But we can't, and I know it wouldn't be perfect. But damn I miss my home town.

I know the reality is after we'd move home we'd be doing all these things we dream of, for a while. But then it would become normal. We'd settle in, take the proximity for granted and forget what it's like to long for home.

One of my best friends and I always lived an hour plus apart. There were years that we only saw each other once or twice. Now we see each other at least four times a year, and we don't take a second for granted. Our quality of time together is much more important.
I call my parents every two to three days. I actually talk to them more now than I did when I lived there, we interact on a more personal level. I know if I went back we would chit chat and fall into old habits. I know that I could see them all the time, so I probably just wouldn't. I, again, would take it for granted.

I tell myself I'd never take it for granted again. I tell myself I'd go to Mum and Dad's every Sunday for a roast. I tell myself I'd see my friends every weekend. But the reality is we have all moved on. We are all still very close, but the demographics have changed. My place in their lives had shifted, as has theirs in mine.
Whilst I know the reality of it all, I still long for it.
Yesterday my brother had his gallbladder removed. I know it's a fairly standard procedure but I just wish I could have visited him in the hospital.
James' youngest sister turns six next week. I posted her present on Thursday. I wish we could be there to see her open it. The last time we were there to celebrate her birthday she had just turned two. That's four years of missed birthdays. She wouldn't have a birthday memory with us in it.
It's just the little things, the things that used to seem so simple, that I long for the most.

But I don't actually regret a thing. I don't ever regret packing up my life and moving interstate with James. I certainly don't regret any of the friends I have met a long the way, many of whom I know I will be friends with for years to come. And many who once again I have moved away from and will move away from. I don't regret that without this lifestyle we wouldn't be able to give our son all that he needs. That's is the navy life, with all it's pros and cons. It's just the way it is.

I know Melbourne will always be home. I grew up an hour out if the CBD, and whilst I would like to move a little closer in I know now that I am not cut out for inner city life, certainly not inner city Sydney life. I want Oliver to go to school in Victoria and we are hoping to be back there in time for him to do do. Whilst that is the dream we are not simply going to just move back, if the time is right and the feeling is right we will. But I know things will never be the same. I know we wouldn't be going back, you can never really go back.
But I'd love to go home.

Right now we are planning our next adventure back to Canberra. I'm excited to go back to many friends and an easier lifestyle. I am excited to get my husband back. I'm excited to be three hours closer to Melbourne.

Sometimes I wish we could just walk about from it all. Start again, from scratch, but at home. But then I catch up with a friend or I see James accomplish something at work and I know this is what is best for us. Maybe not forever. But for now. This is the life we chose, the paths we took have taken us here.

Whilst I wish for many things in our future I am trying to take it day by day and realising that there is no where else I'd rather be than surrounded by my loved ones. Thanks to this lifestyle I have loved ones in three different states. So if home is where the heart is, then I am a real estate expert.



nb. the title of this post is a parody of a quote take from The Dark Knight (2008), Lt. James Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now...

New clothing free week one update.

This week I easily kept away from buying any new clothes. In case you missed my recent post you can read about my challenge here.  I also layered up in order to keep as many clothes as I could but would change into my old favorites right before I walked out the door. This week I just wanted to share with you a picture of the amount of clothes I actually own compare to the amount of clothes I actually wear.
It's only a week in and I've gone a week before without a shopping spree so I'm not having an issue yet, hopefully I can keep it up.

So welcome to my wardrobe, it's a mess as its just so full!
Top left and right: the clothes in my wardrobe.
Bottom: the clothes I wore this week, plus some winter clothes I intend to keep.

Little Oliver J is leaving town.

Back in 2008 I met James, he was signed up to join the navy and was starting recruits the following weekend. Recruit school was only half an hour from my home town so we caught up as much as possible and stayed in touch via late night phone calls and text messages and, well, the rest is history.

And here is that history. In 2009 James got posted to Canberra. I ummed and arred about joining him but I think in my heart I was always going. We moved there in August 2009 and found the cutest three bedroom house with pink walls and orange carpet. Our first home. 

We lived in Canberra for almost two years before being posted here in Sydney. I had a love/hate relationship with Canberra. It was just a few nasty people really tore me down. Another story for another day. In Canberra James and I went from being a young couple to a family. That family being a young couple with a dog. Not long after Pandora joined us we found out we were pregnant.

We also found out we were moving to Sydney.

I was over the moon. I thought Sydney would be a bigger version of Melbourne and I was determined to get us an inner city pad and we would be trendy. We would raise a city kid and Pandora would be an inside dog and life would be good.

Life has been good. We got our inner city pad. Pandora is an inside dog. My son is scared of dirt. We are the pretentious city slickers I always hoped we'd be. But there is a downside to Sydney that although I was aware of, I never fully understood: sea time.

Sydney holds majority of the Royal Australian Navy's ships. Since being here James has spent almost 9 months at sea four of those months I was pregnant. He hasn't sailed too much this year but is due to spend six weeks at sea at the end of the year, but he'll be back for weekends. Thats something right? 

Another thing I realised is that I, in fact, do not care too much for everything a big city has to offer. I realised that I love Melbourne, not big cities. Especially not Sydney. Sydney itself is a cool town, and if we had moved into a house not next to factory and away from a main road, who knows maybe we would want to stay a little longer. But Melbourne is my home, and Canberra was my home for a time in my life. Sydney will never be home.

I want Oliver to have a backyard, I want a spare room for people to visit and I want to be able to get in my car and drive from a to b without worrying that someone is blocking our ally, or that the traffic is bad or that the roads are flooded. And most of all, I want James home. Not only does he sail often he works such long hours Monday-Friday and has to do a Saturday or Sunday here or there. Sometimes I feel like he is a guest here because he is absent so much.

Last week we got the news. On March 11 2013 we are moving back to Canberra. James will be working shift work, and although when he used to work 12 hour shifts it felt like eternity I know this time we will not take his five days off in a row for granted.

I will not take any of it for granted. The clear roads, the semi-decent coffee, the parking, the friends I miss, the lakes, the relaxed nature of people, any of it.

I have some apprehension. I once again will be leaving some amazing people. I will miss being able to walk to my local grocery store, when I can get across my road. I'll miss having a new activity to choose from each week. I'll miss Oliver's first home, the place he took his first steps and laughed for the first time. But those memories are mine to keep.

I am also concerned about contact with the aforementioned past friends. But I am a different person than the one who left Canberra nearly two years ago and they deserve the same respect. Maybe they have changed too. Maybe they haven't. But either way I am a better, stronger person and I will not be affected by the way those around behave. I will not fall into my old competitive ways, nor my old bitchy ways. My new affirmation is, "just because others are succeeding or failing doesn't change the way my life is to be lived."

The most important part about this move will be having James home so much, Oliver having his Dad present for the important times. James works so hard for his family, he works so hard so that we can have everything we want. It's time he got what he wanted.

And all he wants is us.

I have began house hunting and seeing images of backyards and imagining Oliver riding his bike there and Panda running around. I've planned to get him a swing set and a blow up pool. We've even discussed getting a rescue dog to keep Panda company.

I am so thrilled by this news and so thrilled to be going home. Not home home, but I think some day soon it will be.

This was our first home together.

James and I on top of the world. I can't wait to see him smile like this again.

Wish me luck in finding the perfect home, although James being there so often will make anyplace the perfect home.

Cassandra J