I've completed my degree.

I've never been great at finishing what I start. I try, I go in with the best intentions. But I get bored,  or scared, or it's just too hard.

Yesterday I got the results of my final exam. It's not exceptionally high, it's not exceptionally low, but it's finished.

I cried when I got the results. The subject I was completing was a core unit, one in which I had failed years before. I didn't want to let myself to believe I'd finished until it was there.

Well it's here, and I nailed it. No more excuses, just results.

It wasn't a sad cry, nor a particularly happy cry. Just a sense of relief, along with a sense of fear.

I now hold a Bachelor of Arts (Journalism) with a minor in Public Relations.

I also have a one year old son, a wonderful marriage, and a home 1000km away from where it all began.

I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

James and I worry about getting out of the navy, about finances, and how our lives will change.

Sometimes I think I should be a teacher, it would fit in perfectly with our life style. I think I'd be a good teacher, the kids love me in after school care.

I'm only 24. I don't know many 24 year olds that own a house, none that own in the areas we want to buy (inner Melbourne). But I'd like to buy a house in the next 10 years.

We can, we will.

Sometimes I think I should be a journalist, but the medium I love most is radio. My beautician told me I should get into TV whilst I'm young, before my (insert thick Eastern European accent) 'beauty fades'. That makes me sick. I'd love to report news, talk about arts- especially music. Not be admired for my appearance (which isn't exceptional anyway), but for my words.

These ideas make me want to not work in journalism. It's a pretty sexist industry, my wonderful Ethics teacher enlightened us to that. Not to scare us, but to make us aware; to insight change.

I don't know if I'd have it in me. I have a family to support, I need a pay cheque. Statements don't always come with pay cheques.

I think I'd be good at PR, I'd love to do PR for a not for profit organisation or a charity. But I'd hate to get caught up, I'd hate to be a 'spin doctor'. I'd just like to raise awareness.

I think I'd just like to tell the truth.

But it's a tough industry to do that. I'm not saying they lie, but falsification can occur when key facts are omitted. I know that's fluent in the Australian media. I wouldn't want to disappoint my readers, but I'll always need a pay cheque. My family will always come first.

I'm always looking forward. I'm always worried about the future; so much so I forget to enjoy the present and fail to admire my achievements of the past. I'm working on this.

If I can quote Mater, (Cars 2006), "I don't need to see where I'm going, I just need to know where I've been."

I know where I've been. I've been to uni, I've completed my degree and overcome many hurdles. I've been down the aisle, and married the man of my dreams. I've been to the hospital, and given birth to my wonderful Oliver.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. It will influence my future, it will create my future.

I've never regretted decisions, I know the path chosen was the best decision for the situation at the time. It may not turn out the way you'd hoped, but regret will not change that. I know we will always make the best decisions for our family at the time, and I hope it turns out for the best. I also know sometimes it won't, but I know that if we do what is right, majority of the time it will.

University has taught me a lot. I've learnt a lot of academic lessons but I've also learnt much, much more.

I've learnt my ability, strengths and weaknesses. I've learnt about my passion, about what I want out of life and about who I am.

But mostly it's taught me to finish what I start. A lesson I hope to apply to the rest of my life.

Signing off
-Dr Mama J
(Not quite, but who knows?)

Our new home.

Today has been a long Sunday. James and I have caught Oliver's virus and it's quite the nasty little virus. So it's been full of television, sweat pants and ice-cream.

Yet today something wonderful happened. We found our new home, the setting of the next phase in ours lives.
We are not ones for material things, she says from her iPad but really we like nice things. But we have never needed them.

Our last home in Canberra was a brick home circa 1970's with pink wallpaper and orange carpet. I loved it. My favourite was the bay window. The kitchen was shabby, that was less important then. It wasn't perfect, it was far from perfect. But it was us, it was home.

Fast forward two and half years and we reside in a modern two bedroom apartment 6km from the Sydney CBD. It's everything I thought I wanted. Floor boards, open plan, and even a spa-bath! It's nice. It's fun. Sure when I close the doors I feel comfortable. Sure it's our home. Sure. But it's not home. I know that sounds a bit contradictory. To me home is a feeling. My family gives me that feeling. But this apartment never has.
To me, home is that feeling of pulling into your driveway after a long day and that sense of relief. Arriving into our apartments shared car port has never provided me with this feeling.

I don't mean to complain. I have complained, many many times about the suitability of this place for a child. But we have made do, and in Sydney standards we are reasonably lucky.

Our new home is so 'homely'. It is a peach. It is modern, but not brand new. It has it's own personality, its lived in and loved, and will be lived in and loved. It has space enough for our family to grow, for friends to visit, for cars to park and for Pandora to roam. But most importantly it has space for Oliver to grow. It has a backyard, and is located opposite a park. It is five minutes from James' work, and even has a spotlight (a craft and textiles store) in walking distance.

I have been filled with so much suburban envy of late. I have loved all that Sydney has offered. Yet I find it reminiscent of a summer fling. It's all consuming and makes you feel great at the time. But each day you feel more and more used knowing it can't and won't last. Eventually it breaks you down until you end up resenting it. Well that's what I've gathered from the movies, I've never had a summer fling myself.
I'll always have a special place in my heart for Sydney, but not a key on my chain.

Soon we will move to our suburban dream home. I'm sure it will come with faults, I'm certain there will be days I hate and there will be moments I crave for Sydney. Overall, however, I know our days will be mainly filled with joy and happiness. I know our future will now not be decided by the lack of bricks supporting our lifestyle. It will be decided by the way we feel at the time.

So I guess I could so that today was a very good day.

Melbourne is the town we deserve, but not the town we need right now.

If I could move home to Melbourne I would.

James and I at the Roof Top bar in Melbourne circa 2009.

In a second, in a heart beat. We'd be there; Oliver surrounded by his grandparents, our oldest and dearest friends would live just around the corner, the coffee would meet our standards- everything would be perfect.
But we can't, and I know it wouldn't be perfect. But damn I miss my home town.

I know the reality is after we'd move home we'd be doing all these things we dream of, for a while. But then it would become normal. We'd settle in, take the proximity for granted and forget what it's like to long for home.

One of my best friends and I always lived an hour plus apart. There were years that we only saw each other once or twice. Now we see each other at least four times a year, and we don't take a second for granted. Our quality of time together is much more important.
I call my parents every two to three days. I actually talk to them more now than I did when I lived there, we interact on a more personal level. I know if I went back we would chit chat and fall into old habits. I know that I could see them all the time, so I probably just wouldn't. I, again, would take it for granted.

I tell myself I'd never take it for granted again. I tell myself I'd go to Mum and Dad's every Sunday for a roast. I tell myself I'd see my friends every weekend. But the reality is we have all moved on. We are all still very close, but the demographics have changed. My place in their lives had shifted, as has theirs in mine.
Whilst I know the reality of it all, I still long for it.
Yesterday my brother had his gallbladder removed. I know it's a fairly standard procedure but I just wish I could have visited him in the hospital.
James' youngest sister turns six next week. I posted her present on Thursday. I wish we could be there to see her open it. The last time we were there to celebrate her birthday she had just turned two. That's four years of missed birthdays. She wouldn't have a birthday memory with us in it.
It's just the little things, the things that used to seem so simple, that I long for the most.

But I don't actually regret a thing. I don't ever regret packing up my life and moving interstate with James. I certainly don't regret any of the friends I have met a long the way, many of whom I know I will be friends with for years to come. And many who once again I have moved away from and will move away from. I don't regret that without this lifestyle we wouldn't be able to give our son all that he needs. That's is the navy life, with all it's pros and cons. It's just the way it is.

I know Melbourne will always be home. I grew up an hour out if the CBD, and whilst I would like to move a little closer in I know now that I am not cut out for inner city life, certainly not inner city Sydney life. I want Oliver to go to school in Victoria and we are hoping to be back there in time for him to do do. Whilst that is the dream we are not simply going to just move back, if the time is right and the feeling is right we will. But I know things will never be the same. I know we wouldn't be going back, you can never really go back.
But I'd love to go home.

Right now we are planning our next adventure back to Canberra. I'm excited to go back to many friends and an easier lifestyle. I am excited to get my husband back. I'm excited to be three hours closer to Melbourne.

Sometimes I wish we could just walk about from it all. Start again, from scratch, but at home. But then I catch up with a friend or I see James accomplish something at work and I know this is what is best for us. Maybe not forever. But for now. This is the life we chose, the paths we took have taken us here.

Whilst I wish for many things in our future I am trying to take it day by day and realising that there is no where else I'd rather be than surrounded by my loved ones. Thanks to this lifestyle I have loved ones in three different states. So if home is where the heart is, then I am a real estate expert.



nb. the title of this post is a parody of a quote take from The Dark Knight (2008), Lt. James Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now...

Little Oliver J is leaving town.

Back in 2008 I met James, he was signed up to join the navy and was starting recruits the following weekend. Recruit school was only half an hour from my home town so we caught up as much as possible and stayed in touch via late night phone calls and text messages and, well, the rest is history.

And here is that history. In 2009 James got posted to Canberra. I ummed and arred about joining him but I think in my heart I was always going. We moved there in August 2009 and found the cutest three bedroom house with pink walls and orange carpet. Our first home. 

We lived in Canberra for almost two years before being posted here in Sydney. I had a love/hate relationship with Canberra. It was just a few nasty people really tore me down. Another story for another day. In Canberra James and I went from being a young couple to a family. That family being a young couple with a dog. Not long after Pandora joined us we found out we were pregnant.

We also found out we were moving to Sydney.

I was over the moon. I thought Sydney would be a bigger version of Melbourne and I was determined to get us an inner city pad and we would be trendy. We would raise a city kid and Pandora would be an inside dog and life would be good.

Life has been good. We got our inner city pad. Pandora is an inside dog. My son is scared of dirt. We are the pretentious city slickers I always hoped we'd be. But there is a downside to Sydney that although I was aware of, I never fully understood: sea time.

Sydney holds majority of the Royal Australian Navy's ships. Since being here James has spent almost 9 months at sea four of those months I was pregnant. He hasn't sailed too much this year but is due to spend six weeks at sea at the end of the year, but he'll be back for weekends. Thats something right? 

Another thing I realised is that I, in fact, do not care too much for everything a big city has to offer. I realised that I love Melbourne, not big cities. Especially not Sydney. Sydney itself is a cool town, and if we had moved into a house not next to factory and away from a main road, who knows maybe we would want to stay a little longer. But Melbourne is my home, and Canberra was my home for a time in my life. Sydney will never be home.

I want Oliver to have a backyard, I want a spare room for people to visit and I want to be able to get in my car and drive from a to b without worrying that someone is blocking our ally, or that the traffic is bad or that the roads are flooded. And most of all, I want James home. Not only does he sail often he works such long hours Monday-Friday and has to do a Saturday or Sunday here or there. Sometimes I feel like he is a guest here because he is absent so much.

Last week we got the news. On March 11 2013 we are moving back to Canberra. James will be working shift work, and although when he used to work 12 hour shifts it felt like eternity I know this time we will not take his five days off in a row for granted.

I will not take any of it for granted. The clear roads, the semi-decent coffee, the parking, the friends I miss, the lakes, the relaxed nature of people, any of it.

I have some apprehension. I once again will be leaving some amazing people. I will miss being able to walk to my local grocery store, when I can get across my road. I'll miss having a new activity to choose from each week. I'll miss Oliver's first home, the place he took his first steps and laughed for the first time. But those memories are mine to keep.

I am also concerned about contact with the aforementioned past friends. But I am a different person than the one who left Canberra nearly two years ago and they deserve the same respect. Maybe they have changed too. Maybe they haven't. But either way I am a better, stronger person and I will not be affected by the way those around behave. I will not fall into my old competitive ways, nor my old bitchy ways. My new affirmation is, "just because others are succeeding or failing doesn't change the way my life is to be lived."

The most important part about this move will be having James home so much, Oliver having his Dad present for the important times. James works so hard for his family, he works so hard so that we can have everything we want. It's time he got what he wanted.

And all he wants is us.

I have began house hunting and seeing images of backyards and imagining Oliver riding his bike there and Panda running around. I've planned to get him a swing set and a blow up pool. We've even discussed getting a rescue dog to keep Panda company.

I am so thrilled by this news and so thrilled to be going home. Not home home, but I think some day soon it will be.

This was our first home together.

James and I on top of the world. I can't wait to see him smile like this again.

Wish me luck in finding the perfect home, although James being there so often will make anyplace the perfect home.

Cassandra J