I live to let you shine.

Sometimes I just watch him, silently, in awe of who he has become.

The first time I held Oliver I didn't know what to think. I don't think I loved him right away. I felt pretty shit about that but I'd lost 3 litres of blood and I was pretty unwell. I hear that's pretty common. It didn't last long anyway, and I nurtured him from the first moment. Maybe I did love him, maybe I just didn't know him. Maybe I was just scared shitless.

Everyday since then I have loved him more and more. I never think it's possible, I think my heart won't cope another's day expansion. But when James wakes me in up in the morning by placing a very excited toddler on my bed and he crawls up and kisses me on the face, then proceeds to roll on my head and nestle in for cuddles, there goes my heart again.

Bigger, stronger, fuller. 

When James is away sometimes I think I can't do another day. But then I hear him call, I see the way his face lights up when I enter the room and there I am.

Willing, able, wanting.

He talks to us. He doesn't say words but he talks and talks. He mimics us and the way we speak. He is exactly James on the phone, very firm and serious. He is me when he doesn't get his way, determined and frustrated. He is himself when he plays, talking to himself, pointing, questioning, "what's that?"

I couldn't be anyone other than Oliver's mother. I want the world to be a better place, I have resorted back to my political ways. Not for myself, but for my son. I want him to have what we had. No, better! I want him to have nature, a strong economy, and the right to marry whoever he wants. I want him to know that just because a child is born into poverty it doesn't mean they are lesser than us, that they shouldn't be educated, or fed, or survive. I want him to think, not worry, but think about the world.

I want him to dance to the beat of his own drum. He's so quirky. He sings loudly in supermarkets, he says hello and goodbye to everyone, even inanimate objects- but shies away when they say it back. He claps when he does something he is proud of, he claps when we do something he likes. He is still so fond of Pandora. He does what his heart tells him to do, with no ambitions, just desire.

He is so pure. His actions are his own. Perhaps encouraged by us, but with no real influence. He just does things because that's what he wants to do. He farts loudly in a crowded restaurant and then claps, because it feels nice. We all know it feels nice, but we hold it in. Society says no. My husband says no!

Fifteen months ago I was handed my wonderful baby boy for the first time. I didn't know who he would become but I knew he would be wonderful.

He is fire, burning bright. He shines and his energy is contagious. He is smart and strong, determined and loud. He does not fit in, or go unnoticed. He is a presence, he is compassionate, empathetic, interested, curious and fun. He laughs and looks so proud when he makes others laugh. His love could set your soul on fire, and he kisses with his entire face.

I couldn't dream of raising him as anything other than who he is and I hope he hangs on to his childhood for as long as he can. We are certainly going to ensure he can hold it tight for as long as possible.

He is my little Oliver J, and he is perfect in every way.

Sometimes I just sit and watch, and feel so proud of who he has become, who we have allowed him to become.

The best way to describe motherhood to me is this beautiful song by Gregory and the Hawk, Boats and Birds.

I hope it sends your heart a flutter.



Mama J
xx

I've completed my degree.

I've never been great at finishing what I start. I try, I go in with the best intentions. But I get bored,  or scared, or it's just too hard.

Yesterday I got the results of my final exam. It's not exceptionally high, it's not exceptionally low, but it's finished.

I cried when I got the results. The subject I was completing was a core unit, one in which I had failed years before. I didn't want to let myself to believe I'd finished until it was there.

Well it's here, and I nailed it. No more excuses, just results.

It wasn't a sad cry, nor a particularly happy cry. Just a sense of relief, along with a sense of fear.

I now hold a Bachelor of Arts (Journalism) with a minor in Public Relations.

I also have a one year old son, a wonderful marriage, and a home 1000km away from where it all began.

I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

James and I worry about getting out of the navy, about finances, and how our lives will change.

Sometimes I think I should be a teacher, it would fit in perfectly with our life style. I think I'd be a good teacher, the kids love me in after school care.

I'm only 24. I don't know many 24 year olds that own a house, none that own in the areas we want to buy (inner Melbourne). But I'd like to buy a house in the next 10 years.

We can, we will.

Sometimes I think I should be a journalist, but the medium I love most is radio. My beautician told me I should get into TV whilst I'm young, before my (insert thick Eastern European accent) 'beauty fades'. That makes me sick. I'd love to report news, talk about arts- especially music. Not be admired for my appearance (which isn't exceptional anyway), but for my words.

These ideas make me want to not work in journalism. It's a pretty sexist industry, my wonderful Ethics teacher enlightened us to that. Not to scare us, but to make us aware; to insight change.

I don't know if I'd have it in me. I have a family to support, I need a pay cheque. Statements don't always come with pay cheques.

I think I'd be good at PR, I'd love to do PR for a not for profit organisation or a charity. But I'd hate to get caught up, I'd hate to be a 'spin doctor'. I'd just like to raise awareness.

I think I'd just like to tell the truth.

But it's a tough industry to do that. I'm not saying they lie, but falsification can occur when key facts are omitted. I know that's fluent in the Australian media. I wouldn't want to disappoint my readers, but I'll always need a pay cheque. My family will always come first.

I'm always looking forward. I'm always worried about the future; so much so I forget to enjoy the present and fail to admire my achievements of the past. I'm working on this.

If I can quote Mater, (Cars 2006), "I don't need to see where I'm going, I just need to know where I've been."

I know where I've been. I've been to uni, I've completed my degree and overcome many hurdles. I've been down the aisle, and married the man of my dreams. I've been to the hospital, and given birth to my wonderful Oliver.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. It will influence my future, it will create my future.

I've never regretted decisions, I know the path chosen was the best decision for the situation at the time. It may not turn out the way you'd hoped, but regret will not change that. I know we will always make the best decisions for our family at the time, and I hope it turns out for the best. I also know sometimes it won't, but I know that if we do what is right, majority of the time it will.

University has taught me a lot. I've learnt a lot of academic lessons but I've also learnt much, much more.

I've learnt my ability, strengths and weaknesses. I've learnt about my passion, about what I want out of life and about who I am.

But mostly it's taught me to finish what I start. A lesson I hope to apply to the rest of my life.

Signing off
-Dr Mama J
(Not quite, but who knows?)

Little Oliver J is leaving town.

Back in 2008 I met James, he was signed up to join the navy and was starting recruits the following weekend. Recruit school was only half an hour from my home town so we caught up as much as possible and stayed in touch via late night phone calls and text messages and, well, the rest is history.

And here is that history. In 2009 James got posted to Canberra. I ummed and arred about joining him but I think in my heart I was always going. We moved there in August 2009 and found the cutest three bedroom house with pink walls and orange carpet. Our first home. 

We lived in Canberra for almost two years before being posted here in Sydney. I had a love/hate relationship with Canberra. It was just a few nasty people really tore me down. Another story for another day. In Canberra James and I went from being a young couple to a family. That family being a young couple with a dog. Not long after Pandora joined us we found out we were pregnant.

We also found out we were moving to Sydney.

I was over the moon. I thought Sydney would be a bigger version of Melbourne and I was determined to get us an inner city pad and we would be trendy. We would raise a city kid and Pandora would be an inside dog and life would be good.

Life has been good. We got our inner city pad. Pandora is an inside dog. My son is scared of dirt. We are the pretentious city slickers I always hoped we'd be. But there is a downside to Sydney that although I was aware of, I never fully understood: sea time.

Sydney holds majority of the Royal Australian Navy's ships. Since being here James has spent almost 9 months at sea four of those months I was pregnant. He hasn't sailed too much this year but is due to spend six weeks at sea at the end of the year, but he'll be back for weekends. Thats something right? 

Another thing I realised is that I, in fact, do not care too much for everything a big city has to offer. I realised that I love Melbourne, not big cities. Especially not Sydney. Sydney itself is a cool town, and if we had moved into a house not next to factory and away from a main road, who knows maybe we would want to stay a little longer. But Melbourne is my home, and Canberra was my home for a time in my life. Sydney will never be home.

I want Oliver to have a backyard, I want a spare room for people to visit and I want to be able to get in my car and drive from a to b without worrying that someone is blocking our ally, or that the traffic is bad or that the roads are flooded. And most of all, I want James home. Not only does he sail often he works such long hours Monday-Friday and has to do a Saturday or Sunday here or there. Sometimes I feel like he is a guest here because he is absent so much.

Last week we got the news. On March 11 2013 we are moving back to Canberra. James will be working shift work, and although when he used to work 12 hour shifts it felt like eternity I know this time we will not take his five days off in a row for granted.

I will not take any of it for granted. The clear roads, the semi-decent coffee, the parking, the friends I miss, the lakes, the relaxed nature of people, any of it.

I have some apprehension. I once again will be leaving some amazing people. I will miss being able to walk to my local grocery store, when I can get across my road. I'll miss having a new activity to choose from each week. I'll miss Oliver's first home, the place he took his first steps and laughed for the first time. But those memories are mine to keep.

I am also concerned about contact with the aforementioned past friends. But I am a different person than the one who left Canberra nearly two years ago and they deserve the same respect. Maybe they have changed too. Maybe they haven't. But either way I am a better, stronger person and I will not be affected by the way those around behave. I will not fall into my old competitive ways, nor my old bitchy ways. My new affirmation is, "just because others are succeeding or failing doesn't change the way my life is to be lived."

The most important part about this move will be having James home so much, Oliver having his Dad present for the important times. James works so hard for his family, he works so hard so that we can have everything we want. It's time he got what he wanted.

And all he wants is us.

I have began house hunting and seeing images of backyards and imagining Oliver riding his bike there and Panda running around. I've planned to get him a swing set and a blow up pool. We've even discussed getting a rescue dog to keep Panda company.

I am so thrilled by this news and so thrilled to be going home. Not home home, but I think some day soon it will be.

This was our first home together.

James and I on top of the world. I can't wait to see him smile like this again.

Wish me luck in finding the perfect home, although James being there so often will make anyplace the perfect home.

Cassandra J